numb is the new high
by princess estellise
Summary: He feels cheated, but it is appropriate, he supposes, that cheaters get cheated.


_numb is the new high_

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He feels cheated, but it is appropriate, he supposes, that cheaters get cheated.  
Tahno, after his loss.

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(**notes**: a relatively short story of tahno's internal struggle. i hope you enjoy.)

**disclaimed.**

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Tahno is fearless.

At least, he is certain he once was, because lately, he hasn't necessarily felt _brave_. There is a lesson to be learned from this, he insists, a hope to nurture and care for, because if he gives up hope then he gives up the shattered pieces of himself and losing one piece - one vital, pivotal piece - is enough for him. Losing this piece has already created craters under his eyes and forced his hair flat, has picked at his bones until they are brittle, crumbling to dust under his skin, and Tahno wonders sometimes how he even manages to stand, he feels so weak. But this hope keeps him going, searching for the greatest healers in seemingly futile attempts to retrieve his bending.

Tahno had never realized how much he had used bending as a crutch until it was ripped away from him. Every sense of cowardice and uncertainty had been overcome by that power, and without it, Tahno feels helpless, useless. If he had nothing else in his lifetime, he was at least a damn good bender, and now he doesn't even have that. He feels cheated, but it is appropriate, he supposes, that cheaters get cheated.

But no one deserves this. No one deserves to feel powerless and alone and _aching_. Losing his ability to bend is much like losing a person he loves; Tahno has never loved before, but he's sure that this is what it feels like to lose those affections. Tahno aches so much that he eventually numbs himself to the world, has to in order to survive. He's sure that if he keeps hurting, missing something that he cannot have, he will eventually become bitter and die an empty vessel.

He sees Korra again, once, after losing himself, and she is so genuine and strong and brave that Tahno feels a bit jealous. She apologizes for his loss and he wants to laugh it off, say, "No, I'm not dead, yet!" but he _feels_ dead, feels lifeless and soulless and heartless, so he tells her to destroy what destroyed him, as though it will make him feel better.

Tahno likes to think he isn't selfish, but he is; he's so, _so_ selfish that he cannot stand it. He would give up any life in order to have his return to normal, would ruin anyone or anything to make himself whole again. Being halfway there is no life that he wants to live, not when he was at the top of the world for three years in a row, not when people noticed him and praised him instead of giving him pitying glances. Heavy hands keep landing on his shoulders and people keep telling him that he cannot be fixed, that it's useless and he needs to rebuild his life anew, but Tahno is so selfish that he can't let go of his old life, can't escape from time.

What he likes about Korra is that when she says something, he is compelled to believe her. Not just because she's the Avatar, but because of the strength, the conviction behind her words. It warms her voice and she exhales hope and Tahno likes that, respects it, because he _wants_ that conviction, that determination. He sometimes feels that Korra has already rubbed off on him a little, because he keeps seeing healers, and even though none of them know what's been done to him, what powers Amon possesses that causes something so permanent, he somehow manages to find a new one in hopes that someone will finally say something _different_.

They must all think him stupid.

And Tahno knows that life isn't fair, knows even better that it's never been particularly kind to him, but keeps believing that someday, somehow, he will get his justice, and he will feel whole and alive and _him_ again, will fill up the empty spaces that losing his bending has created. Tahno doesn't look it, but he's full of hope, believes in the best even if he watches the world through dead eyes.

Tahno is braver than he thinks.


End file.
